OMG! Like what IS she wearing?
In this outfit, Lindsay Lohan needs a bra and an iron.
Katie Holmes’s style bloopers…cringe!
Did she staple gun that dress to herself??
Makes you feel better doesn’t it? Especially when you’ve been sitting in your coffee-stained dressing gown, curlers neatly fastened to your scalp; checking your email. Nothing but a reminder of work you haven’t done, subscriptions you haven’t paid and various offers to enlarge your penis. Oh and, your gran sent you another chain letter involving cats who can’t spell. But hell, at least you didn’t wear Princess Beatrice’s hat to a royal wedding.
You catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and consider that a can of condense milk won’t be able to alleviate your current feeling of ugliness and depression. What could possibly make things better? Ah, of course. You sit up in your chair and click on something like this.
Many of us look up to famous singers and actors after all, they have everything we want: beauty, fame, success, homes in Milan…so we look at pictures of them posing in their designer ball gowns or lounging on an island with a seven foot Basketball player as we want to see the lives we aspire to in action. However the more we look at them and their pseudo happiness, the worse we feel about ourselves. So in an attempt to boost our self-esteems;’ we read bitchy commentary about how dreadful they look. In reality, they’ve all been gymming so much that they could rock a bin liner or even a beige sweater and still look stunning.
We don’t want them to be perfect because it makes our leaky flat above Spar, dementia suffering cat and an unfulfilling job feel even more pathetic and harder to deal with; resulting in an increased consumption of Chardonnay, and a rise in cat-killings across the country. But you can’t realistically compare yourself to these people. You don’t have a personal stylist or trainer; a private chef who whips up endless amounts of steamed spinach day after day or the kind of money that allows you to throw away a pair of Nike sneakers after just one use.
Our lives are different to theirs and thank goodness for that. I am very grateful for the fact that if I leave the house looking like an extra from the Rocky Horror Picture Show, (which is basically every Monday morning) no-one will be hiding in the bushes waiting to write some piece with a title like: “It’s not yet October and she looks Halloween ready.” However, ever since our regular garbologist asked me where I got my “nice jean pant” from, I do feel a twinge of responsibility in choosing my outfits.
Luckily, no-one cares what I eat for breakfast every morning, what my gym routine is or what the contents of my social calendar is (that would be a very short read indeed.) I can say outrageous things and then get into my pyjamas at 7pm on a Friday night to watch Come Dine with Me whilst eating tuna from a can. No one will publish the news in a magazine. I can also buy second-hand clothes from a charity shop run by a blind 93 year-old bingo champion because no-one cares ‘who I’m wearing’. Although the bingo player did seem a little startled that someone other than a pensioner or a hawker had entered her shop. (Little does she know I plan to turn her store into a global franchise, step aside Louis Vuitton.)
When I look at these gossip columns where someone has described Kim Kardashian or some other star as committing a ‘fashion crime’; I feel confused. Frankly, she looks the same in the ‘fashion no-no’ picture as she does in her pointless reality show: pretty, rich and as thick as two short planks. There’s so little relevancy in what the comments say that one can but laugh.
But who knows? Maybe there’s some PR person behind these celeb gossip features who sits in the meetings; sucks his yellow teeth and advises the writers: “Look, we need to make our readers feel really crap so that they’ll buy chocolate by the kilo and we’ll get more sponsorship from Bourneville. But, we also need to appear to be on their side so remember to use words like frumpy, porky, and scary oh and, add more exclamation points and question marks- you just don’t see enough of those these days. ”
We need to remember that celebrities have problems too. (It must be a nightmare trying to decide what your next adopted Indonesian orphan should be named and naked photos don’t upload themselves you know.) Seriously though, they do have their own hang-ups like the rest of us. So before you slate Miley Cyrus’s new haircut because you’re feeling dissatisfied with life, remember this: we all cry sometimes. Celebs are no exception.