In my onesie
Maybe I didn’t wear enough baby-grows as an infant, maybe it’s how ridiculously beautiful Cara Delavingne looks in them or perhaps all the time spent in my floral pyjamas has gone to my head, but I find onesies irresistible.But onesies have a dubious sartorial pedigree. Consider, for example, that Yolandi Visser and DJ Hi-Tek from the provocative music duo Die Antwoord wear them regularly. It is true that most people wear them to attract attention to themselves, like Lady Gaga in her meat dress or worse still, girls who wear studded bras. I mean honestly, what are you trying to achieve with those things? It can’t be male curiosity as they may well end up with stitches just trying to hug you.
A lot of people see onesies as acceptable only for skiing, or for when you’re having one of those I-hate-my-body days which you spend watching Titanic on repeat and eating Nutella from the jar. But certain celebrities, along with diagnosed hipsters, are bringing the onesie in.In one review of the adult onesie, Journalist Harry Wallop described wearing one in public as comfortable yet embarrassing: “If I had stripped naked, smothered myself in custard and performed the Gangnam Style dance on the pavement, I could not have felt more self-conscious.”
I too was a little sceptical until I watched the musical tribute to the adult onesie. The music video features a bunch of onesie-clad rappers promoting the one-piece as comfy, cool and even sexy, with the lead rapper chanting: “Fleece feels good when I’m grindin’ and bumpin.’
I was starting to consider the possibility of sewing one myself or coercing my overseas aunt into sending me one but then, as luck would have it, my onesie found me.
While casually browsing in the Traffic clothing store- wondering where my next banana was coming from, hoping no-one had noticed the pimple which on my chin, you know life altering stuff- I saw it. A big, black velvety sheath of onesie loveliness. It was love at first sight. I tried it on and it fitted like a glove, well perhaps a glove that had been stretched a couple of times by a tight-fisted yoga instructor but technically that’s how onesies are supposed to fit.
At a Harry Potter themed digs-warming I felt more comfy than ever before in my Cat romper. Not only is it a great 21st century chastity belt, but more importantly, when I had consumed as many vodka-sprites’ as my liver would allow, instead of having to fashion a bed out of beer cans or forgotten jackets, I was able to curl up into a ball and fall asleep quite easily. No wonder cats are so smug.
Even though the onesie is more of a contraceptive than an aphrodisiac given its physical limitations, there is no denying its cute factor, (I got arse-grabbed while in mine) which proves that any man who wouldn’t want to romp with a girl in a romper are probably gay and jealous of your one-piece or are simply unable to navigate long zips.
Whether you keep one for sleeping purposes, Pilates or dress-up parties, it’ll always be hard to take onesies seriously. The same way the McDonald’s Happy Meal will never be recreated on an episode of Masterchef Australia, the onesie probably will probably never appear in the next Vogue edition.
They make great pyjamas, (I speak from experience as I own a light blue fleecy number with printed owls on the front) and are probably amazing for pregnant woman attempting to consume their own body weight in lemony creams. But I’m pretty sure that in a few months, onesies will be nothing more than a distant memory, fitting under my category of ‘hangover clothes’ (fashion that was fun at the time but fills you with regret the next day.)
This means that I must jump on the bandwagon while it is still acceptable to do so. In a few months I will be turning 20 and I will be having an animal-onesie themed party and I will be wearing my all-in-one cat suit complete with a painted on nose and a glass of Pimms.
In conclusion, I propose that we keep the onesie the same way we keep robots: under control. Wear them to Rocking the Daisies and sleepovers but don’t give them enough power to take over the world and turn us all into coach-potatoes who crawl around in overalls and drool inanely like village idiots. You have been warned: they are strictly for this season only. And only one onesie per customer.